We all react differently in times of crisis, so how do we manage these emotions for the better? In this episode about navigating coronavirus, host Amelia Phillips speaks to Psychologist Dr Tim Sharp, aka Dr Happy, about how we can reframe our thinking around unexpected life changes. He also shares his tips on how we can use this time to motivate ourselves to focus on our health and feel more optimism.
Below is an unedited transcript of the podcast episode:
Last Friday, I think I hit Covid 19 rock bottom. I just suddenly felt the weight of this whole pandemic. My local cafe owner, James, said that the cafe was going to close down and that he was probably gonna go bankrupt. I was worried about my mom and my dad. My kids were driving me nuts. So, and I had an exercise in days.
I felt so bad. So what did I do? I bought a bottle of wine and two tubs of ice cream. . I mean, why do we do this to ourselves? Luckily, I had my hubby, Tim, to help me finish them, but I thought to myself, If this is the new norm, we’re all gonna come out the other side twice our size, half as healthy and mentally scarred.
Meanwhile, over on Instagram, there are people getting fitter studying, writing their novel, making the most of isolation, and I thought, I wanna be that person that finds a. In Corona, but last Friday in that moment, that glass was way more than half empty. In fact, I think it was bone dry.
This is healthy her with Amelia Phillips and in this special series on navigating Covid 19, I’m wanting to help my fellow moms get through this difficult time as best as we can in this episode. I wanna learn how we can stay positive, energized, and healthy while our lives around us are changing so much.
Joining me via Skype is Dr. Tim Sharp, aka Dr. Happy Tim has three degrees in psychology, including a PhD and over 20 years experience as a psychologist and is the founder of The Happiness Institute. Thanks for coming on today, Tim. Oh, thanks for having me. It’s always a pleasure. Ame. Well, right now as a mom, the weight of the world feels like it’s on our shoulders.
We take on the worry of our whole family, including our partners. We’re trying to keep them safe. We’re trying to earn money. We’re washing our hands. We’re washing the kids hands. We’re trying to cook healthily. We’re homeschooling and being a positive role model. It’s bloody exhausting. Tell me, what should we do when we feel ourselves getting so overwhelmed?
Uh, look, , I think, uh, uh, it, it’s hard to answer that without offering, um, sort of over simplistic, you know, cliches in a sense. But, but I, I’d start by saying a couple of things. Firstly, it’s really important to remember that we’re all different. So just as there are some people out there, as they said, you know, writing novels and creating their greatest life works, there are other people who are sitting on the couch eating a packet of Tim Tams.
We’ve gotta understand there’s no right or wrong. So the, the first thing is we’ve gotta do this in our own way. We’re all kind of bumbling along, um, and we’re all working it out as we go. And again, that’s okay. Uh, the other thing I’d say, uh, is that it’s unrealistic. I mean, at any time in life, but especially at the moment, we shouldn’t expect that we’re gonna be positive or happy every minute of every day.
I mean, there are some very real stresses, as you said. You know, there are businesses going bust. There are people trying to homeschool. . These are challenges that most of us have, have never faced in our lives. Um, so it, it is important to acknowledge that it’s actually okay. It’s perfectly normal to be feeling stressed, anxious, worried, sad, whatever it might be.
Um, so they’re, they’re the first few things I’d say that, you know, again, we’ve gotta find our own path through this. And also that path won’t be, you know, sunshine and roses every minute of every day. That would be totally unreal. It’s funny, like I giggled to myself the other day when I thought, God, only a few weeks ago, I was worrying about how much broccoli my kids were eating at night.
here, I’ve got a whole new set of problems to worry about. when you’ve coached clients before that, Get into almost like a cycle of overwhelm where it feels unbearable or like you can’t break out of it. How would you coach someone through that? Yeah, that was a really good question. And look, to be honest, I, I’ve had moments like that over the last few weeks.
Um, you know, like everyone, my mood’s been up and down. My motivation’s been up and down and, and certainly there’ve been times when I’ve. You know, this is just kind of too much. Um, thankfully I’ve been able to get out of it and there are things that we can all do to get out of it. And, and I guess, uh, at, at a very simple level, there’s two things that I’d encourage people to, to try to balance, I suppose.
Um, firstly, we do need to look ahead and find some hope. Um, and that’s been difficult at times. I mean, you know, one of the things we need to be careful of is getting too sucked into the news cycle. Um, there’s so much news at the moment. There’s so many new updates coming. Literally every minute. And unfortunately, by its very nature, a lot of that news is very negative and alarmist at times as well.
Well, and again, there’s some reality to that, but it can also be undoubtedly, and, and I felt this, it can be very overwhelming. Uh, however, as much as we want to limit that, and I do think it’s important, so I guess a very simple thing I’d recommend people do is to just, you know, just check the news once or twice a day.
You know, set yourself a certain time. Limit their time, do it once in the morning, once in the evenings. But at the same time, I’d also encourage people to remember that for all those negative stories, for all the doom and gloom, some of which again, is very real. There are also some remarkable stories of, of inspiration, um, you know, of kindness and, and, um, generosity and compassion.
But I think that is important to hold on to hope that, you know, humanity. Is incredibly awesome at times . So that, that’s the one bit, I think we need to have something to look forward to. Uh, we need to remember that as bleak as this seems at times, it’s, it’s not gonna last forever. We need to remind ourselves that at some point in the future, we will be able to get back to work, we be able to go out to restaurants again, Cetera, et cetera.
Now the other bit that can really help is to take it one day at a time, and that sort of sounds. Contradict you to what I’ve just said. Cause it is important to look forward to find that hope and optimism. But it’s also important to break things down. Just like we were doing any other occasion, we’re sort of goal setting into small, achievable chunks.
And if it’s, if it’s enough just to get through the day, if it’s enough just to get through the next hour, you know, we, we’ve got lots of little kids running around. Maybe just break it down into one hour segments or 15 minute segments and just get through bit by bit. And that can certainly make things seem less overwhelming because, you know, we can get through the next 15 minutes, we can get through the next half hour, hour and then hopefully, we’ll, you know, we’ll deal the next hour after.
Yeah, cuz I think that’s the big thing that’s getting a lot of us down is this idea that we don’t actually know how long this is going to go on for and, and that’s what can feel so overwhelming. So I do like that idea of breaking things down. Well, very much so. And you know, you’ve hit on a really important point, which, um, hasn’t really been address.
Uh, as much as I think it could be in the media. I mean the media’s often, you know, focused on a lot of aspects of the, the medical condition, you know, the virus and the illness, et cetera. There’s been focus on the economic factors and job insecurities, et cetera. There is now starting to be some focus on the mental health aspects, but what I think and what a lot of people think is that in many ways, that’s actually gonna become more and more significant.
And one of the most significant aspects of the psychological component at the moment is that uncertainty. And, you know, most of. Aren’t good at dealing with uncertainty at the best of times. Um, but given that this is just, you know, that’s just one of many, many complications and challenges at the moment.
It’s something we do need to try and come to terms with. Uh, and, and, you know, we need to find a way to accept that uncertainty and to acknowledge, Look, we just don’t know and this is gonna win, but we’ll just deal with it as best we can. And as I said, one way to do that is just trying to take it one day at a time, one week at a time or whatever timeframe works for you, but you know, in some way or other accepting.
That we don’t know what the hell’s going on. We don’t really know when it’s gonna end, is an important part of the coping. Why is it that some people can click into that optimism mode while others just seem to sort of feel so worried or, or sad about it all? Is that almost like a genetic trait that plays out here?
Yeah. Look, to be honest, I, I don’t think it’s really any different to it any. Time in life or any other, You know, I think you could have asked the same question six months ago or 12 months ago. Um, the reality is that some people do find optimism and you know, that zest for life and that enthusiasm and that positivity, some people find it easier than others.
Uh, why? To be honest, we don’t really know a hundred percent, but we’ve got a pretty good idea and we can break it down into a couple of key components. You’re right, there is almost certainly some genetic component, but we, we dunno how much. And even if we did, there’s not a lot we can do about it anyway.
But what’s more important than that, I suppose, is that even for those people that do find it, It is still possible because we do know from lots of research that optimism can be learned. Um, you know, it’s like a skill and just like, you know, you would’ve done thousands of times with thousands of clients, um, you know, you can put them through an exercise program and they’ll get fitter and stronger.
Well, we can also put people through a, you know, quote unquote. Exercise program of the mind and help them get mentally stronger. So, you know, one of the things I’d recommend is that if you, if you’re struggling with optimism, try to see it as a skill. You know, just like any other skill, the more we practice, the better we get.
So we can actually build up our mental strength in a sense, or our resilience or our optimism. They’re all kind of related terms and um, you know, if you practice it every day, if you work hard, It will get a bit easier and you will get a bit better at it. So what are some examples of these exercises for the mind that we could do to help to be more optimistic?
Well, one of the first things I suppose, is to become more mindful or more aware of your current thinking style. So o optimism can be described as, as a thinking style. It’s a way of thinking about the world. You know, the cliche is to see a glass is half full or a glass is half empty. That’s the kind of a, you know, classic example.
Of different ways we can look at the same situation and that’s the point. There are always different ways we can look at any situation. So, you know, some people are looking at this current situation. Being stuck at home. Uh, I would suggest we need to look at it as being safe at home. Uh, some people are looking at this as, you know, this is God.
This is gonna be a massive wasted opportunity. I’ve got the next however many months, I won’t be able to do all these things. Well, I would encourage people to think, Well, what can you do? You know, maybe, uh, all of us have said at some stage in our lives, If only I had more time, then I’d, I’d write that novel, I’d paint that painting, I’d learn that language.
Well, maybe you can do that stuff now. So, you know, it all comes down to how we look at it. And if we can become more aware of our current interpretations, then sort of learn how to, um, I guess to assess them, you know, whether are they helpful or not. Uh, so I, I, I don’t actually like to talk about positive thinking.
I prefer to encourage people to aim towards helpful thinking. So what’s actually gonna help you to get through this situation as best as possible. Now, you know, often that will be positive, but it’s also gotta be realistic. So we need to become aware of our thinking. We can then assess our thoughts, and you can write all this down, can be really helpful.
Uh, and then if you find that your thoughts are helpful, if they are, you know, motivating and encouraging, then great. But if they’re not, What you can then do is actually ask yourself, Well, what would be a different way of thinking about it? And maybe if you know an optimist, um, you know, it’s like, well, well what would Amelia say or what would, you know, what would Dr.
Happy say? Or what would, uh, my father or my mother or my friend, or whatever, and try to. Learn from those people that do do this really well. It’s funny because sometimes when that happens, if you pick the wrong moment, people who just wanna slap you in the face, like I’ve been in that motivating position before where I’ve been like, Well look, let’s look at the bright side of this, blah, blah, blah, and they’ll be, I’ll shut up.
Ame, for God’s sake. You gotta pick that moment. You gotta do it very subtly, don’t you? Oh, very much so. Well, two things I said to that one, if we’re. Talking about this with another person, we definitely need to be cognizant of their current situation. So this is a form of what we would call emotional intelligence.
We need to be aware of that person and their situation. We need to tailor our, you know what we’re saying, our comments or our suggestions to fit that other person, but we’re really having a conversation with ourselves. So this is about what we would say to ourselves, and as I said at the very beginning, that would differ for different people.
So, My language of optimism may well be different to your language of optimism. Uh, and that may well be different to the next person we spoke to. That’s okay. We all need to find our own language, our own words that work for us, uh, because at the end of the, that’s what matters. And so if we find our own, what some people call self talk, it doesn’t matter what that is, as long as that language is something that’s gonna contribute.
To, you know, positive emotions and positive action and helping you, uh, find a way through whatever challenges you’re facing. You know, there’s one universal language that I think can be so helpful through all of this, and that’s the language of humor. And one thing that’s been getting me, and I know a lot of my friends through are all these.
Amazing, hysterical memes that are going around at the moment. And I do think that, that sometimes, you know, if you are feeling in that really down state, is there just some way you can just get a, a glimmer of humor happening to just help lighten your mood a little bit? Wouldn’t you agree? Oh, without a doubt.
I mean, I say there, I, I do a lot of public speaking as I think you know, and. To a lot of organizations and events and I, I often say that humor and play and fun are underestimated. You know, they’re, they’re very powerful forces for good when they’re used in the right way. And I think you’re a hundred percent right, You know, some of the funny memes that have gone around a bit, a bloody savior, really.
You know, I’ve had, I’ve had moments when I’ve been feeling a bit down, struggling a bit, and then you see one of those jokes and it says, and you know what? And the reason humor can be so powerful. Is exactly the same reason that I, I was just talking about optimism a bit earlier. What that is is it’s really just another way of looking at a situation in a way that happens to make you laugh or a way that takes away some of the stress or the heaviness of that situation.
And I couldn’t agree more. I mean, I think at the moment, you know, some of the humor and playfulness that’s being. And it put out there is really fantastic and it’s something we could probably use a lot more in other parts of our life as well.
Moms listening to my podcast want to be healthier. They wanna be a healthy role model for our family. But you know, deep as it’s hard in this current climate, and it’s hard because of our head space, you know, you’re talking about feeling a little bit down. It’s very hard to motivate yourself. When you are feeling a bit worried or feeling a little bit down, what would your suggestions be to motivate.
Selves during this uncertain time? Well, look, I suppose as I hint at the very beginning, the first thing I’d say is it’s okay if it’s hard. It’s okay if you’re finding hard. Give your, give yourself permission, um, to be, you know, to, to struggle in a sense. It’s important in any stage. And I think we all go through difficult stages when our motivation WANs a bit, but particularly at the moment, again, this is an unprecedented challenge to our way of living.
Um, so many of our lives have been disrupted in so many ways. Again, it would be almost abnormal if you were just sailing through this with a smile on your face. So, Well, I mean, look at me, the, you know, the health role model going and getting the bottle of wine and the tubs of ice cream, . Like, even I, I’m not immune to this.
It definitely, and I think we, you know, it’s, it’s great that you are able to, to acknowledge that. And I think we, you know, again, we need to accept that, that there’s gonna be ups and downs. There’s gonna be tough days. Uh, but at the same time, uh, as I’m sure, I’m sure you know, It, it is, it is important to try to, uh, to stick to your exercise, you know, your healthy routine as best you can, or get back on track as soon as you can because, um, you know, as important as our health and wellbeing is generally, it’s arguably even more important now because that can provide a buffer against, um, you know, against illness, um, but also against stress and depression as well.
So, so I guess what we need to do is, you know, we need to be a bit creative. I mean, Uh, I, I was faced with this a few weeks ago. I was a, a regular gym goer. Um, and obviously all the gyms have shut down now, and for me, going to the gym is actually a very, uh, well, it’s probably the most important part of my mental health management.
So, you know, for me it’s more of a, or just as much as a psychological tool as it is a. A physical tool. So, you know, I, I was forced with having to recreate my whole exercise routine, as a lot of people will be. This is the thing that I find really interesting and challenging is that depending on my head space, I can be scrolling through and looking at all those people getting fit.
And if I’m having a down day, Thinking, Oh God, look at them all. I hate them right now. And if I’m having a good day, I’m, you know, high five, you’d go, girlfriend, you get into it. I wanna make sure that myself and the other mums out there are having more of that positive approach to it and that reframing of our mind, because we kind of all know what we should be doing.
It’s just feeling motivated enough to do it. And I’m wondering if there’s any psychological strategies that can. Click us into that motivated head space first. What I would go back to and what I would encourage your listeners to go back to is not so much the what to do, but why? Why do we wanna exercise?
Now, again, for me, it’s for my mental health, but it’s also for other things as well. It’s cuz I wanna be a good role model for my kids. It’s because I wanna be able to run around and do the other activities that I’ll hopefully be able to do again in the near future when we can get back out in the world.
But I guess I’d really encourage people to think why, and, and, and the why shouldn’t. To look good on Instagram or the way shouldn’t be to, you know, be showing off to others. It, it’s, it’s gotta be something deeper than that. More meaningful. What, what’s the meaning for you? What’s the why? What’s the reason that you want to be fit and healthy?
If you can find that reason, then it really shouldn’t be that hard, because again, if the reasons there, uh, you’ll find a way to. I love this idea of the small achievable changes that you spoke about earlier, and I think when it comes to managing our diet through all of this, and you were saying to sort of, you know, take it hour by hour or minute by minute, I think, you know, when it comes to what we eat and our cravings and trying to avoid overeating, I like this idea of just making these small little swaps where, okay, instead of having the tub of ice cream, maybe I’m gonna swap it out for something a little bit healthier.
Would you agree? Oh, definitely. Look, you know, again, I think we, we’ve just gotta do the best we can. Um, you know, there’s a trying times, um, if we’re looking at a really extreme problem, you know, if you really worried about excessive consumption of. Of ice cream or whatever. Then, um, as you would know, the, the simplest rule is probably, you know, just don’t bring them in your house.
Um, exactly , you know, you can’t be tempted by something that’s not in the fridge. Um, and especially at the moment when we can’t go out , that’s even so if, if you are really worried, although I, I, I don’t usually advocate a black and white approach. And the more extreme cases, it’s probably best just to not have that stuff available.
That being said, It’s nice to treat ourselves and whether it’s ice cream or chocolate or alcohol, whatever, most of us have some something that we tempted do, and it is nice to enjoy that. So if you feel you can manage it, then sure. You know, buy something nice. But I, I guess as, as you said, I, I’d encourage people to try and really enjoy it.
Mindfully, you know, so eat that ice cream slowly and really taste it, but make sure that those two spoonfuls or whatever it might be, uh, don’t become a whole tub or two tubs in my case. . Um, a couple of other tips I’m gonna throw in there. Got my nutritionist hat on here is, uh, intimate and fasting is a really good way for those that are struggling.
Overeating and it’s where you basically, you don’t eat for 12 hours, so it sounds alarmist, but if you think about it, if you stop eating by 9:00 PM at night, you don’t start eating until 9:00 AM the next morning. And what that does is that limits your window of when you’re eating. So you will find that breakfast, lunch, and dinner suddenly get pushed closer together, which means that you’re less hungry in between those meals.
And then during those meals, if you have slightly more. Dense foods or more liquid style foods like soups, porridges, and things like that, that actually slows down your, um, digestion and so you’ll feel full of for longer. And then I’ll often use things like herbal teas as a filler in between. If you do get that, Mindless snacking urge or even just a piece of fruit.
And I often say to people, if you feel like snacking and then you go, Okay, I’ll have an apple, but you’re like, Oh, I don’t really feel like an apple. It usually means you’re not hungry. It’s usually more something like boredom. Yeah. Look fantastic. Um, you know, I mean, you’re far more expert in that area than I am, but I’m well familiar with the intermittent fasting concept and, and, and obviously there’s some really good, you know, some good evidence to support it.
You know, for most of us, our daily routines have been disrupted. You know, many people are working from home. Unfortu, sadly, a lot of people have lost their jobs or you know, your homeschooling, whatever it might be, or the normal routine that we followed and even the normal times that we would’ve had breakfast, lunch, and dinner, whatever have, have possibly changed or, you know, be very easy to slip into bad habits of just as you said, kind of snacking throughout the day.
Ideally, what we need to do now is to create a new routine. Um, now again, this will differ for different people and it’ll differ depending on your circumstances and maybe the age of your kids, et cetera. But as much as possible for a variety of reasons for our physical health and our mental health, it can be really, really helpful to set up a new structure to our day.
Um, and that would include meal time so that we, you know, we do have. Breakfast, even if you’re gonna be sort of lounging around the home breakfast at a certain time, you know, lunch dinners at a certain time. And that can help avoid, as you’ve sort of hinted at that mindless snacking, which, which doesn’t really do us any good at all.
Yeah, I like that idea of getting that structure and that’s kind of what’s keeping me sane through all of this. What would be one final parting tip to help us moms reframe this period? So to reframe our minds. Not necessarily be positive because like you say, it is a, a worrisome time, but to at least have the energy to be the role model that we wanna be.
Great question to, to wrap up with, and I, I guess I’d preface this by saying that not as a mum, but as a parent , um, I know a lot of this is easier said than Don. I know its. Challenging and it, it’s, you know, we’re gonna have our bad days, et cetera. But, but I suppose I’d go back to the question I, I proposed a bit earlier, which is that, you know, if you think ahead to, and, and I’ll just arbitrarily say six months, if you think ahead to six months when we come out the other end of whatever this, you know, whatever this is gonna be and what, whatever it look like.
If you were to look back then and ask yourself or to look back at, you know, what you did and how you coped, um, what would you like to see? You know, what would you have liked to have done? What, what values would you have liked to have stood up there? Do you wanna look back and say, Gosh, I’m glad I was loving, I was compassionate, I was patient, I was present with my kids.
Or do you wanna look, you know, are you gonna look back and think, God, I, I wish I wasn’t so, So distracted by the chocolate and the ask him, whatever it might be. So whatever your core values as a parenter. And I suppose I’d try to find ways to practice that as best we can. Acknowledging that we’re human, we’re gonna stuff up sometimes, but if we can try and be those things as often as possible, uh, then that will probably be a pretty good outcome.
Oh, I love that idea of fast forwarding into the future and then. Looking back. That’s really powerful. Tim, thank you so much for all your great tips today. Thanks so much for having me.
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